Does He Still Love Me? a woman wants to know…
by lisha epperson
Does he still love me? Does he regret his decision to marry me? Does he look at me differently? As flawed? broken? I think these questions were at the forefront of my mind somewhere around the 3rd year of our travels in the land of infertility. The first two years were the shock and grief years – the denial years even. But as we settled into the brutal reality of our situation I wondered…does he still love me?
I asked him quite frankly and he answered in the affirmative. “Yes. Ofcourse I do. My love for you must never be mistaken”, a term we coined while dating – a tribute to our love of period films. But I wondered if he could or would tell the truth. My husband was already a biological father when we met. While slowly walking towards a future together, I learned to love his then six-year-old son. So I wondered. Did this fact somehow forever divide us? How could he really love me and I, the woman he married, failed to give him a child. The weight of being the person in our relationship with the fertility issues was getting to me – making me feel branded. The letter “I” adorning every piece of clothing I owned. My very own scarlet letter. So I needed to know – “In marriage, is infertility an automatic deal breaker?”
My answers to these questions came in time. In action. Not words. Words would never do for such important questions. He answered by simply loving me. In the everyday things. The seasons of our relationship evolved – spring to winter and back again. His support and willingness to walk with me through this dark tunnel, proved to me, the depth of his love. He kept time with my pace, matching my stride, footprint for footprint. I asked. He answered. In time. But I had to do some work on my inner woman to hear him. Thank God we live during a time when women can be expected to bring more than a uterus to the marriage table. Unfortunately, the challenge of infertility highlights dated perceptions and we fall prey to a type of thinking that goes against everything the Bible says about who we are. Our ability to reproduce becomes inextricably tied to our sense of self-worth. And this – is wrong. Your worth is unconditional and is offered to you only through grace.
Only God could help me crawl from under the grave infertility dug. I learned to love the only reflection of me that mattered – the one God’s word says shines through in everything I do. His word sustains the flames of my spirit and illuminates the essence of His creation. In Him I found…me. My husband married my submission to Christ and desire to stand with him in faith as a partner. He married my wit and intelligence, my support and belief in him. Hopes for a family were always part of the plan but the baby dreams never over shadowed the dreams for our union. By the time we got around to my talents and abilities – all which extended well beyond my reproductive capabilities, well, he knew he’d found his good thing. But…I had to embrace my worth. As a daughter of the King I had to believe I was beautiful – not broken.
So we talked when it wasn’t easy, lived as purposefully as we could and cried when we needed to. We refused to allow infertility to result in the calcification of our emotions – a sure and steady death for any relationship. The constant flow of communication joined us in battle. We would beat this thing together or not at all. Together we’d slay the dragon and prophesy our happy ending. He’d told me before but eventually I believed. When I finally claimed my unconditional worth as a child of God I was able to accept that he was and is in love with the beautiful possibility of our journey together.
Claim your worth beautiful one! Your husband loves YOU! He loves the entire adventure of marriage – unified in Christ, the lovely… sometimes difficult, ecstatic, joy-filled but typical…walk… that he chose to take…with YOU.
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