Sweet Dreams…in the Land of Maybe
by lisha epperson
I learned to hate the word maybe. Maybe wasn’t always, but became, murky, middle of the road, nowhere. Maybe was getting lost in a fairy tale. The miraculous now scary forest. It was easy to fall out of love with this word. Maybe once represented optimism and a sun-filled future…now, because of broken dreams – only confusion and pain. Maybe felt lost. Infertility is a big maybe. Maybe yes. Maybe no. We can’t say. We don’t know. Before infertility takes its stance as dreaded no, or prayerful yes, you can spend a lot of time in the land of maybe. It’s hard to make decisions about anything when a simple question can’t be answered. Should we move? Should I buy those jeans? Should I sign up for that class. Living with unanswered questions left me dangling. My life hanging by an invisible thread that bound me in stillness. There was no room for movement in maybe. The crippling inactivity left me lethargic. I could do no more than breathe. That alone is not living. Alive? Yes. Living? No.
My first miscarriage shook me. Still green from the newness of love in a god-ordained marriage, I couldn’t grasp the loss experienced when told that the baby in me no longer lived. I walked away from the doctor’s office that day a different person. As I struggled to comprehend what was going on – doubt and fear made swift introductions as my newly appointed companions. I wish I could have been stronger or had the wisdom to recognize these bullies but I was so weak and they… so powerful. For every positive word I forced myself to whisper they attacked with facts and statistics that at the time seemed irrefutable. I rationalized that I couldn’t win and accepted their false friendship. Hence I believed and was thus overtaken by doubt and fear. It wouldn’t be long before a shadow of unbelief was cast over everyone and every thing around me. Unbelief kills hope and maybe should be hopeful. Maybe is nothing without hope.
Infertility may not be your issue. Yet I trust in the predictability of life. You will find yourselves in a situation where you’ll want desperately for an answer but will instead, be told to wait. To pack your things and take up residence in this place of seemingly dismal stagnation. When that happens remember this…write it down and hold fast to this lesson. I want you to know NOT to be moved by the stillness of maybe. Sit with it. Honor it. Respect it. God will speak and you will hear. You will emerge a new person because you weren’t afraid of maybe…like I was.
Maybe represents opportunity. Maybe means that you have the blessing of choice. There’s maturity in maybe – the beauty of standing in the middle of a situation and not being consumed by the weight of the word or world. Not feeling compelled to act, but willing yourself to stay still. Maybe can be strong. It takes strength to live day after day without an answer. It takes strength to dangle from that indecisive thread. Simply holding on will build character and develop faith. Maybe demands silence – so God can be heard. Shhh…before the choice is made you’ll have to listen. The blessing of maybe will gently guide you to realign your vision so that it matches His. Waiting supports the process. Clarity of mind is the reward. When you experience it, you’ll know it – God-given and granted PEACE. Your waiting time will bring it forth.
Maybe brought you to me. Each of your entries into our lives was birthed through a time spent quietly but reluctantly with maybe. For you LiChai, time spent with maybe helped me to consider the possibility of you..making you real while I slowly adjusted to extraordinary life changes and choices. The complete surprise of Ila was perhaps the biggest maybe of all. We weren’t looking when you arrived but we chose the maybe of you and happily dived in. An unexpected longing and two years of prayers marked the maybe of Chailah. And finally, Ade’ was the tangible expression of maybe that literally altered my physical body. So many maybes that turned into babies, our greatest wish for the future – exponential potential. I hope you’ll live expectantly in a land of possibility – not moved by the challenge of maybe.
p.s. I wrote this post for my children but recognize that the question of maybe looms large for all at one point or another. I urge you to endure this season of waiting and unanswered questions with optimism for your future. With Him as your guide, it’s sure to be bright and peace will reign. Post below, your comments and testimonies… your trials and triumphs with “maybe”. I’d love to hear them!
Joining friend Kathi Denfeld @ http://www.lol-y-gag.com for StoryLine Link-up
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