Five Minute Friday: After
by lisha epperson
my favorite picture …. of my favorite lady
After. I’m bothered that the word “after” brings you to mind. I am your youngest daughter , the one with your eyes, your creamy coffee skin tone, your hands…at 47 years old I am grateful to God for allowing me to have a mother for so long. Others have not been so fortunate and I am at an age where attending the funeral of a dear friends parent is becoming an all too frequent activity. Yet, I am not ready to say good-bye to you.
You are getting older. At 70 you are as pretty as ever. I can see the girl/young woman you used to be. But I also see someone else taking her rightful place, as you transition to the next season of your life. You as a senior citizen. You, in old age. The skin on your neck, your hands, and more importantly, your mind is not what it used to be. I cover for you most of the time…repeating snippets of conversation and reminding you that I forget too. My attempt at camaraderie, joining you, in the irregularity of this ugly break down. The doctors say we have to wait this out. Supplements, powerful nutrition and engagement have been prescribed and I am happy about that. It may stay the same or it may get worse. Not so bad now that they’d recommend medication. So we wait and wonder. But I sometimes worry – that your best days are already past – that your quality of life will be permanently shifted by the need for the kind of help you would absolutely refuse. That this mental deterioration is hereditary. I wonder if it will escalate and finally end in you..not knowing..me..us. Words like Alzheimer’s and dementia are frightful and I don’t want to think about – after. I rest knowing that you are intimately acquainted with the One who loves you most but I don’t want to think of life without you. After.
After you are gone I won’t be able to call you and chat about our favorite celebrities on Dancing with the Stars. After you’re gone my favorite babysitter won’t be available – even though as the years go by you want less and less to be called upon for this task. I won’t have my life line. My matrix. All selfish reasons but they are the reasons of a daughter who needs and will miss – her mother. After. Being a mother now, I know the importance of having one. A mother. I am often overwhelmed by the significance of the role. The inspiring role you have played in mine. The work and sacrifice – the overwhelming and beautiful responsibility…of mother. I will miss my mother. After. And I am not ready for any of this. I don’t want to think about it and I’m glad this link-up exercise is only 5 minutes long. But you came to mind and perhaps its healthy for me to give voice to my fears. Free them from my head and heart so that I can simply love you in the moment. Now. It’s late, but I’ll call you anyway because I really don’t want to think about….after.
Dear Lord, I am so in love with the mother you gave to me. We are both your daughters and I know You hold her life in your hands. I lift her up to you now. Renew. Restore. In Jesus name. Amen.
Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday @ lisajobaker.com. The writing prompts are a blessing along with the beautifully inspired work that follows. Visit her site to see more.
again, it took me 20 minutes to pull this together but I’m working on it.
Unless otherwise noted, the contents of this blog are copyrighted by Lisha Epperson. Please do not reprint any portion of these posts without prior written permission. Thank you.(c) Copyright Lisha Epperson, 2011-13
seespeakhearmama : mothering with my senses 
Your writing is beautiful. This post really touched me and I completely understand what you are saying. My own mother is one of my dearest friends. The thought that one day I won’t have her anymore scares me to tears and is something I rarely let slip into my mind.
We are blessed with these inspirational women in our lives. These are the women who have shaped us, who have been their through the good and the bad.
May we continue to take them with us wherever we go and honour them with each moment of our lives.
All the best to you and your family.
God bless.
Bless you for giving a voice to your fears. That was so incredibly heartwarming, and I prayed that prayer along with you. Your words brought my 95-year-old grandmother to mind. We have a much in common. Beautiful post.
Writing heals and I am so grateful to have been able to release those fears. this writing challenge was painful and forced me to deal with what we as a family have been faced with. I sort of live by a “no stress” mantra but in reality I think it has a tendency to morph into denial. there I said it. See…I’m still healing and growing. Thank you so much for your prayers. have an amazing weekend.
Lisha – that is beautiful. I don’t care that it exceeded the five minutes -it was worth it. I was looking at my mom the other day – she’s nearing 90. She’s shrinking all the time, has pain and her legs work like little pistons when she walks from the truck to the doc’s and such. Though not so much when she’s in her bare feet at home. I was sitting down and she was standing up nearby – I looked up at her and she was who she’s always been but not at the same time. We’ve had a tough history, she and I but the love that I can feel for her sometimes is so overwhelming. Wow. It’s powerful.
I love the photo you shared and the words but especially the prayer at the end. Lord Bless you Big Time!
Hugs, Jenn
I am humbled by your words. this link-up word “after” took me for a loop. the thought of her flooded my mind and it was oh so hard to write. in the writing I know He is healing and in the praying I know He answers. will keep working on these challenges to decrease my time. will be really excited to post and honest to goodness 5 minute Friday post. thanks again for your virtual hug and blessings. I receive them, right now…in Jesus name.
Your words are honest and beautiful and deep and scary and real. Thank you for sharing. I’m watching my mom still grieve for her mom who she lost sixteen years ago. Well, it’s not that we lost her, because we know very well where she is. But it’s still so hard for her and I wonder how it will be for me–that is if life takes its natural course. . .
Praying for you. His grace is enough.
His grace is enough..Yes! in the writing He heals so I am good. My husband lost his mother at 14 and if you can tell that the scar is deep and the pain unfathomable. I treasure her today and know that He is with and loves us both. thanks for your genuine words and for sharing your story. It helps and I thank you.
Beautiful tribute to your mom and your relationship with her. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Nita. I am so in love with the lady I call Mama. She is doing well and is pretty active…but writing that post and focusing in the word “after” made me think about not having her around. Not ready for that but writing it was healing. praise God. I stopped by your site and saw that you are in the middle of a few really exciting blog challenges. Best of luck getting those posts out every day.
thanks for reading and commenting. didn’t realize I’d been holding these concerns in and writing really helped me put it in perspective. have a blessed week!
This is a beautiful tribute to a powerful mother/daughter relationship. I hope it was thearpuetic for you to share your fears. Your mom sounds like one amazing lady!
It was an unplanned healing exercise…the best kind. Had not realized how much anxiety I’d been holding in. thanks for reading and hearing my Five Minute Friday post. have a great week.